2 3-oz pkgs cream cheese
1/3 C mayonnaise
3 T chili sauce
2 t lemon juice
1 T finely chopped onion
1/4 t Worcestershire sauce
1 5-oz can shrimp

Combine all and chill all day or overnight. Remove from refrigerator 30 minutes before serving.

For years, the culinary highlight of our annual White Elephant party was a grilled turkey, which served dozens of hungry guests with minimal work. As I once wrote on Adventures with Meps ‘n’ Barry:

Barry discovered how easy it was to throw a turkey on the barbecue grill, so that became the central menu item. He’d take it off the grill as the party was getting in full swing and plop it on a platter in the middle of the table, next to a carving fork and knife. Then he’d walk away.

The guests would stand around, looking puzzled. “Who’s going to carve the turkey?” they’d ask. Finally, someone who couldn’t stand to wait any longer would just pick up the knife and start carving away. And Barry and I would give each other a high-five, since we knew how to cook a turkey, but didn’t want to admit that carving it was beyond us.

This past Christmas, Barry’s mother prepared a turkey on her grill, and we documented the process with the camera. It’s so easy, it’s worth buying a turkey any time of the year!

What you’ll need:

A large kettle-style barbecue grill (such as a Weber)
A large bag of charcoal – regular briquettes, not Matchlight
Lighter fluid or a chimney-style charcoal starter with newspaper
A rectangular pan (disposable foil pans work, but may leak) to put under the turkey
Optional: Hardware cloth to hold briquettes
Optional: Turkey lifter
Optional: Lid spacers — metal rods or 2×4’s wrapped in foil

1. Before buying your turkey, measure the height of your grill lid from the grate that holds the turkey. If your turkey isn’t small enough to fit under the lid, you can use spacers to gain an extra inch or two. The spacers are illustrated in step #9. (The turkey may take a little longer to cook, but the results will be fine.)
2. Light your charcoal, using either lighter fluid or a chimney-style charcoal lighter with newspaper.
3. Meanwhile, prepare the turkey. Remove any giblets, wash the turkey, and tie up the wings and legs with wire or string. Rub the outside of the turkey with butter or olive oil. Important: This cooking method does not work with a turkey that’s stuffed. If you want stuffing, you’ll have to roast it in a separate pan in the oven.
   
4. Once all the briquettes have a layer of gray ash on them, they’re ready to use. Using tongs, divide the briquettes into two piles, one on each side of the grill, with the rectangular pan in the middle. There should be about 25-30 briquettes on each side. The goal is to cook the turkey with indirect heat and catch the drippings in the pan. One way to make this a little easier is to create “baskets” out of hardware cloth to hold the briquettes on the sides.
   
   
   
5. Put a little water into the drippings pan.
6. Place the grill on top of the charcoal and drippings pan.
   
7. If you have a turkey lifter, put it on top of the grill.
   
8. Put the turkey on the grill, centered over the foil pan. (in the photo below, the turkey was not perfectly centered, and the left wing was slightly scorched)
   
9. Put the lid over the turkey and set a timer for one hour.
10. Optional: The spacers shown below are only needed if the lid does not fit over the turkey. In a pinch, when we discovered the turkey was too tall at the last minute, we used 2×4’s wrapped in foil, one on either side of the grill. But if you know ahead of time that your turkey is too tall, metal rods like these are an elegant solution.
    
    
11. When an hour has passed, open the grill and add 8 or 9 fresh charcoal briquettes to the burnt-down briquettes on each side. There’s no need for lighter fluid. It’s easiest to do this if you remove the turkey to a baking sheet. When you put the turkey back, check to make sure it’s centered. You may also want to add a little water to the drippings pan.
    
12. Repeat step #9 every hour until the turkey is done. The total time should be about 12 minutes per pound. Use a meat thermometer to be absolutely certain that it’s done.
    
13. If you want to make gravy from the drippings, use a baster to remove the drippings about a half hour before the turkey is done.
14. Remove the turkey to a platter. Let it sit for 15 minutes on the counter before carving. If you put it on the table at a party, it will usually take about 15 minutes of discussion before one of the guests grabs the carving knife.

l 14oz can artichoke hearts (not the marinated sort)
l cup Hellman’s Mayo (the “light” kind is fine, but why bother?)
l cup Parmesan cheese
1 1/2 to 2 tsp. garlic powder (more if you like)

Bake in greased bowl at 350 till golden on top (1/2 to 3/4 hour)

Serve warm with Frito Lay Dip size corn chips, bite size Triscuits, or tortilla chips.

We usually double this, and it’s also delicious cold. It makes a wonderful turkey-artichoke sandwich.

Bring to boil. Covers 12 rolls.

Mix and chill until firm:
2 packages strawberry jello
3-1/2 C water

Heat pineapple juice and bring to boil. Dissolve 2 packages plain gelatin in 2/3 C cold water. Add to juice. Cool. Add 1 package softened cream cheese. Whip 1/2 pint cream, sweeten to taste, and add to juice. Put lime mixture on bottom, cheese mixture next, and strawberry mixture on top. Chill and slice.

This is one of those synergistic things, where you can’t tell what the individual liquors are (you’d never guess the Creme de Menthe is there), just that the result is unbelievably good. When we introduced our friend Will to this recipe, he said, “it’s like the Long Island Iced Tea of coffee drinks!”

In a large, heated mug, pour:
4 parts Amaretto (2 T or 1 shot)
2 parts clear Creme de Cocoa (1 T or 1/2 shot)
2 parts orange liqueur (Triple Sec, Curacao, or Grand Marnier) (1 T or 1/2 shot)
1 part clear Creme de Menthe (1-1/2 t or a large splash)
Whipped cream in a pressurized can (we’ve used both regular and chocolate for effect)

Combine liqueurs in a coffee mug or cup, fill with strong coffee (from personal experience, Barry recommends decaf…that was one miserable sleepless night!), and top with whipped cream.

If you are making these for a group, it’s easier to combine the liqueurs in a small pitcher first. For eight moderate servings, use the following proportions:1 C Amaretto
1/2 C  orange liqueur
1/2 C Creme de cacao
1/4 C Creme de menthe
40-48 oz coffee
1 can whipped cream

Christmas 2005 note: We just tried this recipe with hot chocolate, too. It was SWEEEEEEET — and the folks with super-sweet tooths were deliriously happy.

Here’s another classic overkill recipe from Bill Brown: Killer Oatmeal

For more info on the Microplane, check out their website: http://www.microplane.com/kitchen.shtml

6 eggs
1/4-1/2 C sugar (people who are used to store-bought eggnog are used to more sugar)
1/4 t salt
4 C milk
1 t vanilla
Whole nutmeg

Beat the eggs together with the sugar, salt, and 2 C milk. Over a double boiler, cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture thickens and coats a spoon. To be sure the eggs are safe, it must reach 160 degrees. Remove from heat, stir in the vanilla and remaining 2C milk, and chill.

Serve with a generous dusting of freshly grated nutmeg.

You can mix this egg nog with all kinds of things, including rum, Club soda, bourbon, or 7-up. For a really different treat, try omitting the nutmeg and adding a drop of green Creme de Menthe.

1 can creamed corn
1 can whole kernel corn
1 C evaporated milk
3 eggs
2 T butter
2 t honey
2 T flour
Combine all, put in a greased casserole dish. Bake at 350 F for 40 minutes.

In a medium bowl, sprinkle corn with salt and sugar. Combine eggs and milk and pour over the top. Stir in the melted butter. Pour this into a buttered casserole and sprinkle with nutmeg. Set the casserole in a pan of hot water and bake for 40 minutes at 350 F.

6 T butter
3/4 C cornmeal
1 C boiling water
3 eggs
2 C milk
2 t baking powder
1 t salt
1/2 t pepper
1 C corn kernels

Preheat oven to 375 F. Put 2 T of the butter into a 1-1/2 quart baking dish and melt in the oven.

In a medium bowl, put the cornmeal. Add the boiling water and stir until smooth. Add the remaining butter to this and stir until melted.

In another medium bowl, beat the eggs. Stir in the milk, baking powder, salt, and pepper. Stir this mixture into the cornmeal mixture and then add the corn.

Pour into the buttered baking dish and bake 10 minutes. Then reduce the heat to 350F and bake 35-40 min longer. It will be puffed and golden brown on top.

2 C flour, sifted
1 C sugar
1-1/2 t baking powder
1 t salt
1/2 t baking soda
1/4 C shortening
1 t grated orange rind
3/4 C OJ
1 egg, well beaten
1 C fresh cranberries, coarsely chopped
1/2 C chopped nuts

Stir dry ingredients together and cut in shortening. Combine peel, juice, and egg and add to dry ingredients. Stir to moisten. Fold in berries and nuts. Turn into greased 9×5x3-inch pan. Bake at 350 for 60 minutes. Cool and cut.

In medium saucepan, combine cranberries, orange juice, and honey. Cook, uncovered, over low heat for 15 minutes. Remove from heat and cool. Puree in blender, then return to saucepan. In a small bowl, stir together the cornstarch and water. Stir this into the cranberry mixture. Bring to a boil and cook, stirring, until thickened. Stir in orange extract and remove from heat. When cool, pour into pie shell.

Prepare pecan topping and spoon evenly over top of pie. Bake at 350 F for 20 minutes, or until top is bubbly. Cool on wire rack. Serve at room temperature or chilled.

Pecan Topping

1/3 C honey
3 T butter
1-3/4 C pecan halves
In a medium saucepan, combine honey and butter. Cook and stir for two minutes, until smooth. Stir in pecan halves.

1-1/2 C ground cranberries
1/2 C sugar
2 3-oz packages Jello orange or lemon
1/4 t salt
2 C boiling water
1-1/2 C cold water
1 T lemon juice
1/4 t cinnamon
1/8 t cloves
1 orange, sectioned and diced
1/2 C chopped nuts (walnuts are traditional)

Combine berries and sugar and set aside. Dissolve gelatin and salt in boiling water. Add cold water, lemon juice, cinnamon, and cloves. Chill until thickened. Fold in berries, nuts, and orange. Spoon into 6-cup mold. Chill until firm, about 4 hours.

2 C (packed) dried sweetened cranberries (about 10 oz)
1/3 C orange juice
2 C flour
1 t cinnamon
1 t baking powder
3/4 t ginger
1/4 t baking soda
1/4 t salt
1 C (2 sticks) unsalted butter (room temperature)
1 C, packed, golden brown sugar
1 egg
1 T minced peeled fresh ginger
2 t vanilla extract
1-1/2 t grated orange peel
3/4 C chopped walnuts
3/4 C chopped unsalted pistachios
1/2 C coarsely chopped fresh (or frozen) cranberries

Butter 3 baking sheets. Combine dried sweetened cranberries and orange juice in a small bowl. Let stand for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the cranberries soften slightly.

Whisk together the flour, cinnamon, baking powder, ginger, baking soda, and salt in a medium bowl.

Position rack in center of oven and preheat to 350 F. Using an electric mixer, cream the butter and brown sugar in a large bowl until smooth. Add the egg, fresh ginger, vanilla, and orange peel and beat until well-blended — about 2 minutes. Beat in the flour-spice mixture Stir in the nuts, fresh cranberries, and the dried cranberries and orange juice.

Drop spoonfuls of cookie dough onto the prepared sheets, about 1-1/2 inches apart. Bake in center of oven until golden and almost firm to touch in center, about 18 minutes. Cool cookies on the baking sheets for 5 minutes before transferring to racks to cool completely.

Mix together:
1 egg
1/3 cup milk
1 T melted butter
1/4 cup flour
1 T sugar
dash salt
Cook in a well-oiled crepe pan over medium heat and fill with the filling of your choice — lightly sweetened marscapone cheese is probably my favorite, garnished with chocolate curls.

Serve this at your next Cinco de Mayo party.

1 can mandarin orange segments
1 can pineapple chunks
Several cups of fun, fruity juice, like pineapple passion fruit
Red wine
In a large pitcher, dump the two cans of undrained fruit. Add the juice and then fill the pitcher with red wine. Rather than worrying about the fruit while you are drinking the sangria, let it sit on the bottom of the pitcher until you’re done. Then serve it in bowls with spoons (or fingers) to eat it.

1/2 C + 1/8 C butter
1/2 C + 1/8 C brown sugar
1-1/4 C flour
Mix to a crumbly mass and cover the bottom of an 8×13 pan.

Bake in moderate oven for 10 minutes.

Combine:
1 C brown sugar
2 eggs, beaten
1 t vanilla
2 T flour
1/2 t baking powder
1/4 t salt
1-1/2 C coconut
1 C chopped nuts
Spread this mixture over the baked flour mixture and return to the oven for 25 minutes. Cut into squares before cooling.

1 C eggnog (not fat-free)
1 C milk (not fat-free)
4 egg yolks
1/3 C sugar
1/4 C flour
1/4 C cornstarch
1/4 t nutmeg
1/4 t salt
1 T vanilla

In a saucepan over medium-low heat, bring eggnog and milk to a simmer.
Meanwhile, whisk together egg yolks, sugar, flour, cornstarch, nutmeg, salt and vanilla in a bowl.
Slowly whisk about a third of the heated eggnog mixture into the egg yolk mixture, then whisk this back into the eggnog mixture. Return the pan to a medium-low heat, bring it to a low boil, and cook, whisking constantly, for about 4 to 6 minutes, until very thick. (Do not overcook or the eggs will scramble.)

Strain the pastry cream through a fine sieve into a bowl and press a piece of plastic wrap on the surface. Let cool to room temperature, then refrigerate for at least 2 hours. It can be made and refrigerated up to 3 days in advance.

Put the metal chopper blade into the Mac. Sift 1 cup of all-purpose flour and 1/2 tsp salt into the Mac’s bowl. Pulse it a couple of times to mix them.

Take 6 tablespoons of unsalted butter out of the fridge and cut them up into about 6 pieces. Put them in with the flour and salt. Using the pulse setting, process the mixture a few times until the butter is evenly distributed and the mixture coarse cornmeal. You do not want to overprocess it, but you also don’t want big chunks of butter in there.

Now get a glass of very very cold ice water. Turn the machine on and drizzle in 2-3 tablespoons of water very slowly. The mixture will clump up into a ball and start to go thunkety-thunk. Stop the motor IMMEDIATELY. Take the ball of dough out of the machine and roll it out to fit your pie pan.

If your crust has to be baked before filling, prick it all over with a fork. Then put a big piece of foil in the pie pan and pour about a cup of dried beans into it. Bake for 7 minutes at 450 F. Remove the foil and the beans and bake for 2-3 minutes longer, until the edges are browned to your liking.

How to make a woven lattice top for a pie

Roll out some unbaked pie crust on a floured surface. Cut it into strips, about 1/2-inch wide. Lay about 8 strips on top of your pie, evenly spaced, with each strip oriented horizontally. Don’t pat them down.

You are going to weave the right side of the pie first.

Starting at the top of the pie, pick up the right side of a strip of dough and gently fold it halfway across to the left side. Skip the next strip, then fold over the next one, the third one from the top. Fold every other strip of dough over — the fifth, the seventh, etc.

Now lay a strip vertically just to the right of the center. It will be on top of every other horizontal strip, but it won’t be on top of the ones you just folded back. Fold all the folded strips back over to the right, over the vertical strip of dough you just placed.

Starting with the second horizontal row, fold it back as far as you can (it won’t go to the middle, because you just put a strip on top of it). Fold back all the even rows — two, four, six, eight. Place a vertical strip just to the right of the one you just did and replace the folded strips of dough. Continue doing this until you have woven the right side of the pie.

Use the same technique, mirrored, to do the left side of the pie. When the top is covered with a lattice, you can trim the excess dough and pinch the lattice together with the crust itself.